Here you will find real life incidents to make you smile. Reader's Digest? - You snooze, you lose!

BITS 'N PIECES
by Shirley Friedman

.....My daughter-in-law's father has always looked very young, and recently he took the family out for Sunday breakfast. While they were waiting to be served, my 4 year old grandson looked at him and commented "You know grandpa, you don't look like a grandpa. You look like an uncle."
.....My son, playing the fool, called his father-in-law "Uncle", only to be told very seriously "He's not an uncle, he's a grandpa. He only looks like an uncle."
   .....At a Bowls A.G.M. recently, one of the ladies, a tiny, slim woman with very little in the way of curves, went up to receive her pin as the new Vice Lady President.
.....Since the President seemed to be having trouble putting it on, and knowing she had a huge sense of humour, I jokingly said to her, "Throw out your chest."
.....As she did so with a grin, and little effect, a male member commented wryly "You might as well. It's not worth keeping."
.....A friend of mine went to buy some tackies recently, and as he didn't want them for sports or gym, he opted for the lowest priced shoes that were on display, to be told that there were none left in that range.
.....He then said he'd take a pair at the next price, but discovered one size 9 and one size 10 in the box, and the assistant couldn't find any others in his size.
.....Frustrated, and late for an appointment, he finally bought a pair costing much more than he had intended, and having checked that they were the same size, took them home, to find that he had purchased two tackies for the left foot. ..
   .....Very conscious of the water restrictions in drought-stricken Gauteng, but desperate to wash off the layer of dust the wind had deposited on my car, I armed myself with a bucket and a watering can - the bucket contained the soapy solution to clean the car, and the watering can was for rinsing.
.....Imagine my amusement when I happened to glance out into the street as I was finally sprinkling the wheels with the watering can, and met the incredulous eyes of several passersby.
....."They must have been wondering if I expected it to grow," I said jokingly to my maid, Lizzie, as I put my washing accessories away.
....."Maybe they thought you wanted a double-decker," was her droll comment.

.....Reading your recent Wedding Tales reminded me of my son's garden wedding. The marquee had been delivered late the day before, and a last minute decision had been taken to dispense with it, as the weather looked fine.
.....Came morning, the sun shone, and everything looked so pretty - the blue water of the swimming pool blinked at the sky; tables and chairs dotted the lush green grass, and sun umbrellas of every hue had mushroomed over them - just in case.
.....Sure enough, as the wedding party stood under the canopy, the Rabbi intoned and the Cantor sang, black heavy clouds started making their way across the sky.
.....Anxious eyes were lifted in mute prayer, and my own special one was that the Rabbi would speak a little faster.
.....Finally, my son's foot came down on the ceremonial glass, and everyone shouted "Mazeltov!"
.....The guests were happily tucking into the mouthwatering food when there was a sudden heavy downpour. However, they took shelter under the sun umbrellas and a temporary tarpaulin my son had erected over the open verandah, and the rain couldn't dampen their spirits.
.....The sky had cleared again, when the tarpaulin suddenly groaned over it's heavy load of water and released some, on an eminent doctor's wife as she came to congratulate the bride and groom.
.....When she gasped, and then laughed, the stunned silence turned into gales of laughter as she was hurried away to clean up.
.....Then came the speeches, and the proud new wife stood with her husband in the sun as he thanked the guests.
.....Suddenly, a strange whining sound interrupted him, and all eyes turned towards a portable gas griller on which delicious latkes were being fried in a corner of the garden. With a comment of "sounds like it's going to explode" the bride's father hurried to see what was wrong, whilst all the guests beat a speedy retreat to the other side of the garden, and after a moment, the groom followed his father-in-law
.....The bride turned as white as her dress, thinking she was going to lose her father and husband in one blow.
.....Fortunately, it was only a spare tank of gas which had been stored inside the griller, and had blown it's safety valve due to the heat.
...All of this had been captured on video, and provokes many a laugh whenever it's reviewed.

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Recently, responding to a customer's comments that his watches and clocks displayed different times, my watch repairer phoned 1026, only to find the Afrikaans time was three minutes slower than the English.

  .....For three ladies on the wrong side of fifty, it was supposed to be TGIF treat, going from the office opposite Sandton City to an early movie, and a light supper. But it turned into an escapade.
.....There were two cars between us, and mine was secure in the underground parking. So we piled into the other car and drove off, bought our tickets, and thoroughly enjoyed the 5.30 movie.
.....An excellent fish restaurant was nearby so we joined the queue for a table. Suddenly our driver looked at the keys that she had been holding in her hand, and exclaimed "my car key is gone!"
.....She then hurried back to the cinema in hopes she would find it there, while we kept the place in the queue, and discussed what we would do if she didn't find it.
.....Fate was kind, and she was shortly back with the key in her hand, having found it on the floor under her cinema seat. End of Drama No.1.
.....After we finished our meal, we drove back to our offices, and I duly passed my entry card over the appropriate box to open the gate, but to no avail.
.....I tried again. The green light came on but the gate didn't move. Wondering how I was going to manage without my car all weekend, I tried once more, and with a rattle the gate started to roll up, so I could retrieve my car. My friends said they'd wait until I was safely out again.
.....As I drove up to the gate I realised it was still open when it should have automatically closed, so I stopped my car outside, and told my friends that I would try to find the control buttons inside the nearby office.
....."I'll just have to run to get out before it closes," I said, with a giggle.
.....When I pressed the button, the gate began to descend , but as soon as I removed my finger from the button, it stopped.
.....I tried again, and again it moved and stopped. I pressed it once more and unexpectedly it started and kept going.
.....Rushing out of the office and up to the gate, I prayed I would get there in time, but it was about four feet off the ground when I reached it, and still moving.
.....Now, I'm no Indiana Jones, but I had watched the film recently, so impulsively, a la Indiana, I threw myself on the ground and rolled under the gate.
.....After their initial amazement, my friends collapsed with laughter, bemoaning the fact that they didn't have a video camera handy. And I was laughing too, amazed at what I had done.
.....Though I had a few days of pain from sprained muscles on the left side of my chest, all's well that ends well, and I have a screamer of a tale to tell to amuse my family and friends.
.....Some time ago I attended a singles nights at a restaurant I had never been to before, and during the evening had to ask the way to the ladies cloakroom.
.....In the dim light I came to a stop at what appeared to be the right door, opened it, and went in, to be confronted by some stainless steel oval-shaped basins in each of which there were little white mothballs. A little puzzled by this modern plumbing item, I hesitated, but nature called, so I hurried to the single toilet.
.....When I came out a man turned around from washing his hands, and we both looked at one another in stunned horror.
....."Don't tell me this is the men's toilet?" I exclaimed, and ran out with my cheeks burning. .....Telling my friends about this encounter of the too close kind, I justified myself by saying I had never been in a men's toilet. "And what on earth are the mothballs for?" I asked, whereupon we all collapsed in laughter.
.....Later, the man I had met approached me and said "I think I had better marry you."
....."Why's that?" I asked, puzzled.
....."Well, think of what a sensation we'll be when we tell people we met in the men's toilet," was his laughing reply.


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   .....Having been fighting flu for several weeks, and still attending work, one afternoon I decided my efforts really weren't appreciated, so I went home to rest. There I discovered a summons for monies that should have been settled long before in an insurance claim.
.....Hurriedly, I phoned my broker, who said I had to bring it in immediately. Muttering bitterly, I got back into my car and headed for the highway, only to hear an ominous thrum-thrum as I entered the ramp. My tyre had picked up a nail and was totally flat, so, coughing and sniffing miserably in the cold wind, I changed it.
.....A half hour later, feeling very hard done by, I parked outside my broker' office, to be told that I would have to take the summons to the Insurance Company in the city centre.
....."You can walk it," my Broker suggested, when I moaned about finding parking, "and leave your car here."
.....Maybe it's best, I thought, so I fed the meter, walked to the Insurance Company, and returned to my car as quickly as I could, to find a traffic summons for R80 on the windscreen. In my hurry I hadn't noticed that parking after 4 pm wasn't permitted.
.....Maybe there's something in the power of negative thinking after all.

 

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